Emotional Causatum: Another Brick in the Wall

Over the years I have developed what some people might refer too as “a wall.” When meeting new people, even potential friends I keep an emotional distance from said person to avoid any mental or ardent strain from occurring if things don’t work out, or if physical distance suddenly plays a factor. I’ve always thought of it as a good thing. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my personal barricade keeps me from forming any kind of personal connection at all.


     Up until this very moment that I’m writing this, I’ve always assumed it was a trade picked up from when I was in the Army. I’ve always been sort of emotionally clingy, but when you’re surrounded by people who come and go you learn to just appreciate the time with each person and not develop any attachment. I’m remembering now that even before the Army, when I first met David, I put him through hell by maintaining an emotional distance from him.

      I can’t tell you where the wall comes from, or even if I can control it. I can honestly say that I don’t feel any need to control it. I’m perfectly content with being emotionally detached from people as a whole. There are people who have penetrated this once impregnable wall of mine. It hasn’t been easy for them, but they’ve done it. 

     In recent events this wall has actually proved to be useful. But I don’t really feel like pulling the scab off that blister just yet.

     I know it comes off like a heartless thing. Especially with my use of the word ‘wall' but let me assure you that when attempting to make friends that wall doesn’t get in the way of things. It’s not a wall that I put between myself and the potential, but just a wall I keep wrapped safely around my heart. It provides me with the ability to become coherent in decision making about the future (or failure) of a friendship. 

     There have been so many things in life that I’ve let myself become emotionally attached with, only to have ripped from my heart without notice. There have been many people that I’ve had to say goodbye too with hopes it wasn’t an end, but knowing that it was. I, like every one else on this planet, have dealt with so much pain and let downs that becoming detached from everything around me seemed to be the only logical fix and save-all for hurting. Each bad situation becoming yet another brick in the wall.

     But is having a wall a bad thing? Does anyone really need to remain vulnerable to anyone who comes along wishing access? We tell ourselves that it’s a bad thing to keep people from getting in, but why is that? What right does anyone have trying to embed themselves so deep in another person; and isn’t the saying trust  is something earned, not given? 

     I respect everyone that shows me respect, but trust? No one get’s trust. No one, but David. But David has earned that trust. Sure he’s beaten and battered it a few times, but still, it was his to do so with. He has completely opened himself to me, and accepted me opening myself to him (no, I don’t mean sexually pervert!). He has seen beauty in me through my ugliest of times, shown patience for me when I had none for myself, and has held me up when I felt like falling. He didn’t break through my wall, but built a house inside it’s parameters. He has shown me, through his actions, that having a wall doesn’t stop someone from trying. Having a wall only helps reveal who’s worth allowing the attempts to try. 

     So in a final note, I’m happy with being emotionally detached from people. I still reciprocate the feelings given to me by others when it’s just. I love my family, I love my friends. The wall doesn’t keep them from knowing me, or from me knowing them. The wall is only there for my protection, and it’s served me well. :)