Fragmented Cataracts

    Perspective is a bitch!

    It’s so hard to admit when we’ve done or said something wrong. Sometimes it’s a task so difficult that we find ways to coerce our own subconscious into believing we were right all along. We bend our own truths or our own realities to take whatever shape we see fit, as long as it benefits ourselves. But then from the shadows lurks perspective to put us back in our own places no matter how much it hurts.

    Today I spent most of the day in contemplation. Rewinding and playing my life frame-by-frame trying to figure it if and where I became derailed. When I take a look at the picture of everything as a whole, something just doesn’t fit. There’s always this obscure blur in my vision causing the truth to become abstract and lost in my current perspective. This smudge seems to have been impairing my vision for the last five years, and I can’t seem to look away. Like following the little squiggly line in your eye that you can never seem to focus on, the harder I try to think about what it is I’m missing from the picture, the less I’m able to concentrate on it. Almost like post traumatic stress disorder, it seems that my brain is stopping me from discovering and defragmenting this vital piece of information, but why?

     Is life really so predestined and scripted that I have no choice but to wait for the right moment to have this epiphany? I’m so tired of waiting, and I’ve never been one to invest any shroud of belief in the concept of predestination. So what is it? What is keeping me from seeing the whole picture in high definition? What is that my subconscious is unwilling to admit or reveal?

     As far as my life goes, I’m in a happy place. I have someone that I’ve been with for so long and that I’m madly in love with, I have an apartment, a car, two “children”, family close-by, health, food, water, clothes, etc. It just doesn’t seem like anything is really missing from this picture. Yet for the past sixteen years I’ve been battling with my own dysthymia; this chronic state of depression that I haven’t been able to shake off.

     At first I thought it was because of my childhood, or because I was hiding the big ‘gay’ secret. After coming out, things became lighter, things became clearer, but still incomplete. Then I thought it was because I was sure that I was going to live and die alone. I met David and slowly our relationship unraveled to show it’s true potential, and I knew that dying alone wouldn’t be a concern. I felt lighter, and again, things seem a little more clear but I’m still not seeing in high definition yet. I thought maybe it was the confusion of where I wanted my life to go. You know, like which career to choose, where to live and settle down? It seems unlikely to be the root of my fragmentation in vision, but I still haven’t ruled it out.

     My career choice has always been a struggle for me. There’s not many complements I can or would give myself, but one I gladly say is that I know I’m smart enough to do whatever I want to do as a career. I know I could be a surgeon, or a theoretical physicist for that matter; but for me the obstacle wasn’t what I could do, but rather what I wanted to do. 

     Graduating high school my plan was to join the Army, get an education in nature sciences, and start up my very own nature show. The idea still get’s me excited. I love wild animals (especially reptiles OMG), I would love to travel around the world, I don’t particularly mind being in front of a camera. It just seemed like the perfect fit for me. So I joined the Army at 17, and one year later got kicked out…don’t ask. LMAO

     After getting kicked out of the Army I lost hope in that dream. Suddenly my dreams seemed too far to even dream about. So I gave up on that. 

     Since then I’ve always been stuck in limbo with deciding what to do as a career. There are so many things I would love to do, but for one reason or another I knock down the idea before it forms. 

     I’ve thought about being in the music business. I’ve always loved playing instruments and writing songs. I have some really good songs that I’ve written. But I’ve never really taken the idea of pursuing a music career serious because, let’s face it, I’m not talented in that arena. To make it in the music business you have to have a talent of some sort related to the field, and I just don’t. My voice is, at best, mediocre. My song writing, great songs, but I only write roughly one or two songs a year now. Playing instruments? Eh, mediocre would be a compliment. So music was just not for me.

     I don’t have the face (or physique) for acting. 

     I’ve thought about becoming a Veterinarian, but after really really contemplating it I realized I hate both domesticated animals, and their owners. People are fucking ridiculous with their pets (and no, I’m not excluding myself from that statement.) I’ve spent enough time as a Vet. tech, to know that I would end up committing suicide within the first month of starting my own practice. 

     Then I finally realized that no matter what I contemplated to choose as a career, I’ve always had one back up career that I thought I would love: teaching. Yes, I can sit here and dedicate probably an entire novel as to why I would hate teaching, but I despite the cons I still can’t help but to get excited when thinking about having my own classroom. And of course the subject would be Math. I would love to develop my own technique to making math fun and understandable for students. I love math, partially because I love puzzles. So the idea of teaching it makes me very happy. 

     So after years and years of contemplation I’ve realized the course I want to head with my life. I want to be a teacher. It’s the most perfect career for me. So then, with that question answered, why do I still feel incomplete?

     Location? Unlikely. Sure I hate Florida with every fiber of my body, but I still can’t conceive of that as being the reason for the smudge in my vision of the big picture. [correction: I love the state Florida as far as the scenery and such, it’s the people I hate.]

     I’m not sure what perspective I’m needing to finally fix this issue. I’ve tried analyzing my life from multiple angles to see what I’m missing and can’t come up with one absolute answer. I know I’ve made mistakes. I’m a big boy, I can admit that openly and without shame. So then what? What is it that’s keeping me from seeing this missing puzzle piece?

     Jinkies! This is a mystery waiting to be solved…