Enough is Enough: I'm Fat!

This new job has really put a weight on me. Quite a bit of weight. I wish I could say exactly how much weight I’ve gained since starting, but I don’t own a scale so to be honest I’m not sure what my current weight is. I can say though, I’m back to wearing XL shirts and my size 38’s are starting to feel and look a bit snug on me. All of this sitting, and not moving around has caused me to gain some mass, and it’s gotten me to the point where I no longer feel comfortable.

     Normally I don’t care much about my weight. I might make a fat joke, or cry on the inside here and there, but then I remind myself that I’m married and I know that fat or not, David loves me, so it doesn’t bother me. However, there does come a point where I find it harder and harder to just shrug off my current look.

     Looking at the pictures from our Anniversary trip to New York City has me struggling to enjoy the pictures. Every single picture I’m in I just look so…fat. Multiple chins, round face, awkward body kind of fat. It sucks because I look at David and oh my god. He’s gained a little weight over the years, but he still looks so damn find—and here I look like this bridge troll clinging onto his side. As if the pictures weren’t bad enough, I’ve been constantly the point of teasing at work about my weight. From multiple people. It’s become this thing that is impossible to ignore anymore.


image

     So I’ve started a plan with David to lose weight. For whatever reason he’s in on this too, which I don’t get. He’s got a little tummy, but nothing worth dieting over in my opinion. Still, we’ve started dieting.

     First things first, my worst enemy is portions. I don’t eat three times a day, but when I do eat I EAT. Generally I eat fairly generous portions. So I’m working on shrinking my intake capacity down. As of right now it takes a lot to make me feel full, so I’m trying to fix that by eating less and less on my meals. Additionally we’ve started going to the gym. I’m not exactly counting my calories now, but I’m getting a general sense each day of about how much I’ve consumed and I’m working out at the gym to zero them out. So far, I’m doing well.

     I’ve switched to eating lean cuisines as my meals. It’s very weird holding the little tiny $2.50 box and thinking this is supposed to be a meal, but I’m pushing through the mental hunger to just eat like a normal human should. I’m hoping to start feeling results soon. I don’t much care about how I look. I just don’t want to feel all round and roly-poly. I feel like I’ve developed an even worse waddle to my walk, which definitely doesn’t help to feel sexy. I’ve always had a weird walk, mostly because I have my Dad’s feet and we walk on the outer edges of our feet in an outward angle. Makes for a funny walk. But lately I’ve just been waddling….like a penguin that ate too much.

     My coworker has started himself on a keto diet. I’ve thought about doing that, but that goes against my success plan. I don’t want to limit what I eat. Just how much. Look, I like what I like. I want to be able to have a beer and not think, “well I just threw the weeks progress down the drain.” Instead if I have a beer I know that it’s going to mean more cardio or more god awful weight lifting to burn it off.

     I’m also working harder on closing the rings on my watch. I bought the Apple Watch with the intentions of being more mindful about my physical activity throughout the day. So far, these rings really help me feel accomplished or guilty depending on how successful I’ve been at remaining active throughout the day. Yesterday at work I had closed my three rings before even leaving work. It’s a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. I’m really trying to make each success count in my book.

     I have more changes planned soon. Nothing I want to get into, but I’m hoping to use these positive changes in my life as a platform for even more. I’m trying to make the necessary steps to setup my success and make it hard to fail. I’ll keep this blog updated on these things. David and I have talked about doing a vlog to document our progress, successes and failures. We may just do that.