Remembering Separation Anxiety

I just returned from a week and a half trip out of state for work. I went to Silicon Valley for a week, and then spent the remaining time in North Carolina. As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted a job where I travel. I remember my Dad always going on business trips, and the idea that a job pays for your travel, lodging and food to conduct business in a remote location has always excited me. I never thought doing IT would net me a responsibility such as travel, but so far this job has kept me moving. So far I’ve traveled three times to North Carolina, twice to California and once to Pennsylvania. 

Whereas I’m so happy to be afforded this opportunity, it’s also driving me crazy. Especially this last trip. 12 days away from David was difficult for me. Most trips so far have been 4-5 days. Which is tolerable. This last trip proved to be so difficult. 

When I travel, we usually Facetime every night. I’ll be honest, I’m not a “tour the town” type of guy. I work, grab dinner to go, and return to the hotel as fast as possible to get him on Facetime so I can see him. Hell, I usually start missing him before I even leave, so once I land the withdrawals start to occur. But Facetime in its own sense is torture. I’ll stare at the video and study features. 

My memory is bad, and I’ve always had an issue where I easily forget faces. Even the faces of loved ones. I can paint the picture of their face in my head, but after a couple of days of not seeing them I lose the memory of all of the little details so the picture in my head becomes abstract. For example, I just saw my Mom on Mother’s Day, but trying to recall her face in my mind right now is very difficult. I have to try to remember the little details so I can actually picture her face in my head, but I’m failing to recall them. 

So I stare at his face. I stare, I study, and it makes the separation hurt all that much more. It’s a face I never want to forget. I’ll stare at his lips and remind myself of the way they feel pressed against mine. I’ll stare at his chest and remember the way it feels under my head as I lay on it at night. 

I’ve just returned home from my trip and of course all I want to do is soak him in immediately. All of the little details that, despite Facetime, got lost in memory. Especially after finding out today that in less than 2 weeks I’ll be leaving for California again for a week. I think that’s probably why airports have always been so depressing for me. Sure, I’m always leaving loved ones behind, but it’s so much more. With them, goes the memories shortly after. 

When I was younger, I would fly to my Mom’s house every summer. I would be so sad about leaving my Dad, even though I was excited to visit my Mom. At Summer’s end I would return to California and be so sad about leaving my Mom, even though I was going back home. I think part of that sadness about leaving is purchased by the fact that I knew I would soon forget the little details that make up the memories of the people I love and care about.

It’s like that scene from Inside Out where Bing Bong is slowly fading away into the memory dump. Slowly over time, I would forget those things and the sadness of it all was overwhelming. *Is* overwhelming. 

For now, I’ll just keep on soaking in and studying him. Every little detail.