So this year has been on fire. So much positivity this year that it's been so difficult to see any negativity around us...most of the time. Although we've been living it up on cloud nine this year, there has been one little nag bothering me. It's been mostly ignorable especially considering it's an issue I've had since as long as I can remember. I just don't fit in.
No, this isn't a cry for attention or me trying to verbally abuse myself. It's just fact. I know that it's mostly my fault that I don't seem to fit in, but I can in the same breath claim I have little to no control over it.
I'm shy as fuck. Some days I can go to work and beat the shyness and pretend with amazing accuracy that I'm not shy and I can talk to people. Most days I don't. I can't. I go to work and avoid eye contact with people passing me by in the hall. People will talk to me and when I try to talk back I choke. The words either never come, or they get lost somewhere from my brain to my tongue. I don't know why there are days where it's not difficult to speak and interact with people. I just know that most days are not easy.
Then, when I do have a streak where I'm able to talk and joke and loosen up there will be the staggering reminder of how much I don't fit in that will slap me back down to earth. For example I can laugh and joke with my coworker, but then hearing the way he talks to me, and the way he talks to other people reminds me that I just don't fit in. He'll be sharp and shitty with me, joking occasionally but ignoring me more often than not. Then he'll talk sweet and friendly with almost everyone else. I've tried loosening up and striking conversations, and I've tried saying nothing at all. Both attempts net the same results. I can't seem to break past whatever wall is between us.
It's not just him. He's just an example. I'll pass people in the hall, and say as happy and chipper as possible "Hey [NAME]! What's happening?" I'm lucky if I get a low grumble in return. Most times people will avoid eye contact with me. I'll think, maybe they're shy too but then I'll see them talk all happy and friendly with EVERYBODY else.
When I was a janitor at this job I thought people didn't talk to me because of my job. Now that I'm in IT I see the way people interact with the new janitor and it's not the case. They just didn't talk to me because I'm me. I don't understand it. From my perspective I've tried so hard to establish a friendly relationship with everybody there. I've said hello every time I see them, I smile at them, I help when I can. I just don't get it.
What is so wrong with me?
If I were to look at myself objectively and try to deduce why I struggle so much to connect with people I would probably blame the way I handle my sexuality. After coming out I wasn't sure how my extended family would handle it so I avoided them. I'm out, I'm proud, but if we never talk than I never have to face the awkwardness from it. Or so I thought. None of my family really gave a shit about me being gay. I was lucky like that. But for some reason that mentality has stuck with me over the years.
I'm out, I'm proud, but if you don't ask me I don't have to face the awkwardness of the coming out to you. So I distance myself from people. I don't talk about my personal life. I'm not ashamed, and I honestly would have very little problem admitting it to anyone who asked. But the question needs to be direct. Any chance for me to detour a question I'll take.
I know my coworkers know I'm gay. Hell, my boss straight up asked me in our first one-on-one meeting. Still, they haven't asked and so I haven't told them. Any subject coming close to my personal life I just detour as quickly as possible, and I'm sure it's obvious. They've stopped hinting and asking around it. Now there's this awkward void there. We go out to lunch and I stay as quiet as possible so I don't have to talk about anything personal. Lately, I just don't go out with them altogether.
Normally I love and admire the fact that I'm not in-your-face about my sexuality. I may be gay, but that's not who I am after all. But my policies seem to be creating distance from me and everyone around me. I hate that it's even a conversation that needs to be had. I have to hear people talk about their wives and kids and then retort with a generic inclusionary statement that I know they see right through.
On a side note, but still relevant, I've always hated the fact that I'm not more flamboyant. I hate the fact that I have to come out to people I meet. I wish people just fucking knew. I envy the feminine gays because at least no one questions their sexuality. They can jump into a conversation with words like boyfriend, husband, and whatnot and no one bats an eye.
I'm stuck in this limbo now. I want to come out at work but I haven't said anything for so long that at this point the idea just feels silly. I want to be cavalier about my sexuality. Especially considering my statement earlier about it not defining me. So why should I give a fuck about it or how someone will react? There's this wall between me and myself. Maybe that's why I feel I don't connect with anyone. There's too much of me spread so thin, sugar-coating my insecurities in a candy shell of denial and paranoia. But how do I break free? Is it like my theory on being happy—don't think about it, just do it?
I don't know. I don't want to give in to not fitting in. To feeling lost and disconnected to people around me. I don't want to continue doing a dance around talking about me.
Maybe that's why people don't like me. They can't figure me out since not even I can figure me out? What is there to like about someone who never shows their face and insists the mask they wear is their true intentions.
Help me.
No, this isn't a cry for attention or me trying to verbally abuse myself. It's just fact. I know that it's mostly my fault that I don't seem to fit in, but I can in the same breath claim I have little to no control over it.
I'm shy as fuck. Some days I can go to work and beat the shyness and pretend with amazing accuracy that I'm not shy and I can talk to people. Most days I don't. I can't. I go to work and avoid eye contact with people passing me by in the hall. People will talk to me and when I try to talk back I choke. The words either never come, or they get lost somewhere from my brain to my tongue. I don't know why there are days where it's not difficult to speak and interact with people. I just know that most days are not easy.
Then, when I do have a streak where I'm able to talk and joke and loosen up there will be the staggering reminder of how much I don't fit in that will slap me back down to earth. For example I can laugh and joke with my coworker, but then hearing the way he talks to me, and the way he talks to other people reminds me that I just don't fit in. He'll be sharp and shitty with me, joking occasionally but ignoring me more often than not. Then he'll talk sweet and friendly with almost everyone else. I've tried loosening up and striking conversations, and I've tried saying nothing at all. Both attempts net the same results. I can't seem to break past whatever wall is between us.
It's not just him. He's just an example. I'll pass people in the hall, and say as happy and chipper as possible "Hey [NAME]! What's happening?" I'm lucky if I get a low grumble in return. Most times people will avoid eye contact with me. I'll think, maybe they're shy too but then I'll see them talk all happy and friendly with EVERYBODY else.
When I was a janitor at this job I thought people didn't talk to me because of my job. Now that I'm in IT I see the way people interact with the new janitor and it's not the case. They just didn't talk to me because I'm me. I don't understand it. From my perspective I've tried so hard to establish a friendly relationship with everybody there. I've said hello every time I see them, I smile at them, I help when I can. I just don't get it.
What is so wrong with me?
If I were to look at myself objectively and try to deduce why I struggle so much to connect with people I would probably blame the way I handle my sexuality. After coming out I wasn't sure how my extended family would handle it so I avoided them. I'm out, I'm proud, but if we never talk than I never have to face the awkwardness from it. Or so I thought. None of my family really gave a shit about me being gay. I was lucky like that. But for some reason that mentality has stuck with me over the years.
I'm out, I'm proud, but if you don't ask me I don't have to face the awkwardness of the coming out to you. So I distance myself from people. I don't talk about my personal life. I'm not ashamed, and I honestly would have very little problem admitting it to anyone who asked. But the question needs to be direct. Any chance for me to detour a question I'll take.
I know my coworkers know I'm gay. Hell, my boss straight up asked me in our first one-on-one meeting. Still, they haven't asked and so I haven't told them. Any subject coming close to my personal life I just detour as quickly as possible, and I'm sure it's obvious. They've stopped hinting and asking around it. Now there's this awkward void there. We go out to lunch and I stay as quiet as possible so I don't have to talk about anything personal. Lately, I just don't go out with them altogether.
Normally I love and admire the fact that I'm not in-your-face about my sexuality. I may be gay, but that's not who I am after all. But my policies seem to be creating distance from me and everyone around me. I hate that it's even a conversation that needs to be had. I have to hear people talk about their wives and kids and then retort with a generic inclusionary statement that I know they see right through.
On a side note, but still relevant, I've always hated the fact that I'm not more flamboyant. I hate the fact that I have to come out to people I meet. I wish people just fucking knew. I envy the feminine gays because at least no one questions their sexuality. They can jump into a conversation with words like boyfriend, husband, and whatnot and no one bats an eye.
I'm stuck in this limbo now. I want to come out at work but I haven't said anything for so long that at this point the idea just feels silly. I want to be cavalier about my sexuality. Especially considering my statement earlier about it not defining me. So why should I give a fuck about it or how someone will react? There's this wall between me and myself. Maybe that's why I feel I don't connect with anyone. There's too much of me spread so thin, sugar-coating my insecurities in a candy shell of denial and paranoia. But how do I break free? Is it like my theory on being happy—don't think about it, just do it?
I don't know. I don't want to give in to not fitting in. To feeling lost and disconnected to people around me. I don't want to continue doing a dance around talking about me.
Maybe that's why people don't like me. They can't figure me out since not even I can figure me out? What is there to like about someone who never shows their face and insists the mask they wear is their true intentions.
Help me.
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Friday, July 06, 2018
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