I've found out this morning that my Dad has passed away while sleeping last night. I was going to call him yesterday on my drive home from work, but didn't. We both suck at staying in contact with people. Him a little more. So yesterday, when I was thinking about calling him, I told myself, no. Let him call me. I regret this deeply right now.
I wish so much that I called him. Told him I love him. Let him know how much he means to me. I can't undo not calling him.
I found out right after posting that last blog post. After I closed my laptop I looked at my phone and found a message from his stepdaughters husband asking for my phone number. I knew right then what that meant. I wanted to not respond and just pretend like it could be for any other reason. Then his phone called me. I was on the toilet so I couldn't answer. When I heard the voice message and it was Rhonda, his wife, I knew. All she said was to call her back, but I knew. I called her and spoke with her after finishing in the restroom.
He died. There's now no denying it. I tried going to work and just carrying on as best as I could. I got there, clocked in and just kept crying. Even when trying to work on an issue for a user I was struggling to hold back the flood gates.
I have to figure out how to get to California now. I need to go out there. I was supposed to go see him earlier this year, but work intercepted plans and got in the way. It's been 10 years since I've last hugged him, and right now that's what I miss the most. It makes me wish I would've known the last time I hugged him, that it would be the last time I would ever hug him. I would've held on longer, squeezed harder.
I can't pretend like this is a shock to me. I don't know why, but I've been expecting this moment for a year or so now. The dreaded call. I've made every attempt when speaking to him to let him know how much I love him. At least, I really hope I have.
I've been upset with him quite a bit over the last decade. Solely just for the lack of attempts at staying in contact with me. But look me, the hypocrite. I'm the same way. I'm so distant from my family for the same reason. I love them, I miss them all, but I'm absolutely shit at reaching out. I've never really expressed to him my disappointment in that. Truth is, when I do get him on the phone, it doesn't matter. I'm just happy to hear his voice. I don't care about the poor communication. We're communicating now. So I just let it go. There was never anger, hatred, or any volatile emotion as the such. Only sadness. I looked up to him and just hoped that I mattered.
Here's the thing, I know I did. I know I mattered to him. Take a look at his last text message to me:
He didn't have to send that. He didn't have to say that. But he did. I'll talk more at length about our relationship in a future post. Right now I'm still fighting the tears. Everything still feels unreal. I just needed to write so that way I can remember this moment. Remember the sadness.
I love him so much. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if I'm wrong and there is one, I know he's someplace amazing. I know he's with his Mom, his brother, and so many other people he had to mourn over. He was such an amazing person. Corny as hell, hahaha, but he was amazing. I know he was proud of me, even without that text. He loved bringing me to karaoke with him. I know it hurt him when I started going by Pernisco instead of Rupert. It was never about him though. I just have never liked the last name Rupert.
I know everyone says this after a loved one passes, but you know what, even if we were to have a conversation about him five days ago I would tell you how much I love him. Sad he doesn't call more often, but I love him and that he's a great person. I credit a lot of the things i love about myself to him. I get my humor from my Mom's side for sure, but I get his corniness, his kindness, and his dreamer mentality. I don't think he'd flat out admit he was a dreamer, but I believe that anyone who knew him would happily vouch on that. He had huge dreams and ambitions, always felled short by reality, but that never stopped him from stating with certainty that they would come to fruition.
Dad, wherever you are, I love you and miss you so much. I'm sorry that I let life get in the way. I'm sorry for every time I thought of you and didn't pick up the phone to hear your voice.
Ugh...I gotta stop writing now.
I wish so much that I called him. Told him I love him. Let him know how much he means to me. I can't undo not calling him.
I found out right after posting that last blog post. After I closed my laptop I looked at my phone and found a message from his stepdaughters husband asking for my phone number. I knew right then what that meant. I wanted to not respond and just pretend like it could be for any other reason. Then his phone called me. I was on the toilet so I couldn't answer. When I heard the voice message and it was Rhonda, his wife, I knew. All she said was to call her back, but I knew. I called her and spoke with her after finishing in the restroom.
He died. There's now no denying it. I tried going to work and just carrying on as best as I could. I got there, clocked in and just kept crying. Even when trying to work on an issue for a user I was struggling to hold back the flood gates.
I have to figure out how to get to California now. I need to go out there. I was supposed to go see him earlier this year, but work intercepted plans and got in the way. It's been 10 years since I've last hugged him, and right now that's what I miss the most. It makes me wish I would've known the last time I hugged him, that it would be the last time I would ever hug him. I would've held on longer, squeezed harder.
I can't pretend like this is a shock to me. I don't know why, but I've been expecting this moment for a year or so now. The dreaded call. I've made every attempt when speaking to him to let him know how much I love him. At least, I really hope I have.
I've been upset with him quite a bit over the last decade. Solely just for the lack of attempts at staying in contact with me. But look me, the hypocrite. I'm the same way. I'm so distant from my family for the same reason. I love them, I miss them all, but I'm absolutely shit at reaching out. I've never really expressed to him my disappointment in that. Truth is, when I do get him on the phone, it doesn't matter. I'm just happy to hear his voice. I don't care about the poor communication. We're communicating now. So I just let it go. There was never anger, hatred, or any volatile emotion as the such. Only sadness. I looked up to him and just hoped that I mattered.
Here's the thing, I know I did. I know I mattered to him. Take a look at his last text message to me:
He didn't have to send that. He didn't have to say that. But he did. I'll talk more at length about our relationship in a future post. Right now I'm still fighting the tears. Everything still feels unreal. I just needed to write so that way I can remember this moment. Remember the sadness.
I love him so much. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if I'm wrong and there is one, I know he's someplace amazing. I know he's with his Mom, his brother, and so many other people he had to mourn over. He was such an amazing person. Corny as hell, hahaha, but he was amazing. I know he was proud of me, even without that text. He loved bringing me to karaoke with him. I know it hurt him when I started going by Pernisco instead of Rupert. It was never about him though. I just have never liked the last name Rupert.
I know everyone says this after a loved one passes, but you know what, even if we were to have a conversation about him five days ago I would tell you how much I love him. Sad he doesn't call more often, but I love him and that he's a great person. I credit a lot of the things i love about myself to him. I get my humor from my Mom's side for sure, but I get his corniness, his kindness, and his dreamer mentality. I don't think he'd flat out admit he was a dreamer, but I believe that anyone who knew him would happily vouch on that. He had huge dreams and ambitions, always felled short by reality, but that never stopped him from stating with certainty that they would come to fruition.
Dad, wherever you are, I love you and miss you so much. I'm sorry that I let life get in the way. I'm sorry for every time I thought of you and didn't pick up the phone to hear your voice.
Ugh...I gotta stop writing now.
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Friday, November 09, 2018
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