Earlier this year, in April, I had posted a progress update. I was so proud of myself. I was sticking to my diet, to my exercise, and feeling good about myself. I had a game plan to reach my target weight by my Birthday and there was nothing that was going to stand in my way. Except myself.
I allowed, and even in the plan allotted for a break from the diet during one of my business trips. You see, when I travel for work my meals are paid for. Sure I could go to Walmart and pick up lean cuisines and stay on diet, but why? Why not enjoy different foods when you have the opportunity to try them while not paying a dime? Funny enough I wasn't terrible on that business trip. My lunch at the jobsite was catered so I stuck with that. When they cater lunch for me they email me a menu, I choose what I want, and they order it. I always choose the kids menu since I'm an incredibly picky eater. So my lunches aren't too bad in terms of calories. I stay at a hotel that has a Keurig in my room so I opted to go to Walmart and get k-cups this trip instead of using the hotels coffee. While there I picked up some hot pockets for the dinners throughout the week, and some diet coke. Believe it or not I hardly ate dinner while out there since, unbeknownst to me at the time of purchasing the hot pockets, my hotel fridge did NOT include a freezer. It used too. They recently remodeled the hotel I stay at and instead of having a full sized refrigerator and freezer like they normally do, they had only a mini fridge with no freezer compartment.
Anyways, I'm going into way too much detail about the trip to simply say just being off my diet for a week made it so hard to get back on it when getting home.
I don't normally sleep a whole lot on my business trips. So when I came back home I justifiably skipped out on gym days to garner myself extra time to get caught back up on sleep. After that weekend was over I still didn't feel caught up on sleep. So I skipped the week. Then the next week. The week after....Let's just say I haven't been back to the gym since May.
It shows.
I've gained all of the weight I had lost back. I've gained back the insecurity. I've gained back the shame.
My new job has given us a little extra money to enjoy finer things. Whereas before a good weekend consisted of ordering pizza on Friday and eating it throughout the weekend, we now still do that, and mix in Uber Eats, Grubhub, and the occasional restaurant. I feel fat all the time. I love our new foody experiences, but without the return to the gym, I've had no in-the-moment qualms about over eating and over indulging. I still eat lean cuisines for lunch for the most part, but when I come home the hair is let down and it's shitty fatty foods.
There's a weekend mantra happening. Every weekend, after over-indulging and having the shame flood in I tell myself, Monday we're going back to the gym! Monday comes, I clock out and go home and I'm too tired to exercise.
Exercise, it's a vicious circle isn't it? Without it you're lethargic all the time. You're too tired to happily consider doing anything. With it, you're too tired to actually do anything. But it's a different tired and I miss that tired feeling.
I miss feeling good about myself after coming home from the gym. Hell, my body was never looking good. I still had a gut, love handles, and extra padding here and there, but my body felt good. I would come home and take off my sweaty shirt and just relax in my skin. I don't dare consider that now. Even though physically there's no difference, mentally theres enough shame for me to want to wear my shirt even into the shower. I don't, but that shame is there.
Reading that post, Progress, I miss bragging about my progress. It was never easy going to the gym. Hell, even when we were doing really we still skipped plenty of gym nights. "Not tonight. We'll go tomorrow." But the thing is, we would go tomorrow.
We've lost our self-discipline. We've lost our esteem and our security.
So, I think it's time to change that. We've been telling each other that there's no point in returning to the gym now. It's the holiday time and we're going to each so much fattening foods so let's just go after the holiday. The problem is there. With that "diet starts tomorrow" mentality. Plus, we're planning our anniversary trip for March. I want pictures, lots of them. And I don't want them to be like the pictures from New York. Where I was so fat that I didn't enjoy looking at the pictures. Such a happy moment in our lives. 15 years together, but when I look at those pictures I just see little David and his fat white shadow. Hahaha. I laugh, but it is really depressing.
2018 was the year we focused heavily on not allowing it to be a bad year. We wanted a good year, and you know what? We've fucking succeeded. This has been an amazing year. I think I want 2019 to be the "do something" year. The year where we stop making up excuses for shit we're miserable about and we actually go and do something about it. I have faith that we can achieve that goal, but I think the mentality should start now. Not January 1st.
Progress needs to be made again, and we've learned at this point in our lives that it's not going to make itself. We can't sit idly by expecting good things to just happen. We have to go out and make those good things ourselves. Progress is good. Therefore we can't be sedimentary and hope for it. We have to stand up, and put one foot in front of the other, and slowly waddle our way towards it until it becomes a tangible object you want to run towards and not turn away from.
I guess we'll find out in March, but the progress starts NOW.
I allowed, and even in the plan allotted for a break from the diet during one of my business trips. You see, when I travel for work my meals are paid for. Sure I could go to Walmart and pick up lean cuisines and stay on diet, but why? Why not enjoy different foods when you have the opportunity to try them while not paying a dime? Funny enough I wasn't terrible on that business trip. My lunch at the jobsite was catered so I stuck with that. When they cater lunch for me they email me a menu, I choose what I want, and they order it. I always choose the kids menu since I'm an incredibly picky eater. So my lunches aren't too bad in terms of calories. I stay at a hotel that has a Keurig in my room so I opted to go to Walmart and get k-cups this trip instead of using the hotels coffee. While there I picked up some hot pockets for the dinners throughout the week, and some diet coke. Believe it or not I hardly ate dinner while out there since, unbeknownst to me at the time of purchasing the hot pockets, my hotel fridge did NOT include a freezer. It used too. They recently remodeled the hotel I stay at and instead of having a full sized refrigerator and freezer like they normally do, they had only a mini fridge with no freezer compartment.
Anyways, I'm going into way too much detail about the trip to simply say just being off my diet for a week made it so hard to get back on it when getting home.
I don't normally sleep a whole lot on my business trips. So when I came back home I justifiably skipped out on gym days to garner myself extra time to get caught back up on sleep. After that weekend was over I still didn't feel caught up on sleep. So I skipped the week. Then the next week. The week after....Let's just say I haven't been back to the gym since May.
It shows.
I've gained all of the weight I had lost back. I've gained back the insecurity. I've gained back the shame.
My new job has given us a little extra money to enjoy finer things. Whereas before a good weekend consisted of ordering pizza on Friday and eating it throughout the weekend, we now still do that, and mix in Uber Eats, Grubhub, and the occasional restaurant. I feel fat all the time. I love our new foody experiences, but without the return to the gym, I've had no in-the-moment qualms about over eating and over indulging. I still eat lean cuisines for lunch for the most part, but when I come home the hair is let down and it's shitty fatty foods.
There's a weekend mantra happening. Every weekend, after over-indulging and having the shame flood in I tell myself, Monday we're going back to the gym! Monday comes, I clock out and go home and I'm too tired to exercise.
Exercise, it's a vicious circle isn't it? Without it you're lethargic all the time. You're too tired to happily consider doing anything. With it, you're too tired to actually do anything. But it's a different tired and I miss that tired feeling.
I miss feeling good about myself after coming home from the gym. Hell, my body was never looking good. I still had a gut, love handles, and extra padding here and there, but my body felt good. I would come home and take off my sweaty shirt and just relax in my skin. I don't dare consider that now. Even though physically there's no difference, mentally theres enough shame for me to want to wear my shirt even into the shower. I don't, but that shame is there.
Reading that post, Progress, I miss bragging about my progress. It was never easy going to the gym. Hell, even when we were doing really we still skipped plenty of gym nights. "Not tonight. We'll go tomorrow." But the thing is, we would go tomorrow.
We've lost our self-discipline. We've lost our esteem and our security.
So, I think it's time to change that. We've been telling each other that there's no point in returning to the gym now. It's the holiday time and we're going to each so much fattening foods so let's just go after the holiday. The problem is there. With that "diet starts tomorrow" mentality. Plus, we're planning our anniversary trip for March. I want pictures, lots of them. And I don't want them to be like the pictures from New York. Where I was so fat that I didn't enjoy looking at the pictures. Such a happy moment in our lives. 15 years together, but when I look at those pictures I just see little David and his fat white shadow. Hahaha. I laugh, but it is really depressing.
2018 was the year we focused heavily on not allowing it to be a bad year. We wanted a good year, and you know what? We've fucking succeeded. This has been an amazing year. I think I want 2019 to be the "do something" year. The year where we stop making up excuses for shit we're miserable about and we actually go and do something about it. I have faith that we can achieve that goal, but I think the mentality should start now. Not January 1st.
Progress needs to be made again, and we've learned at this point in our lives that it's not going to make itself. We can't sit idly by expecting good things to just happen. We have to go out and make those good things ourselves. Progress is good. Therefore we can't be sedimentary and hope for it. We have to stand up, and put one foot in front of the other, and slowly waddle our way towards it until it becomes a tangible object you want to run towards and not turn away from.
I guess we'll find out in March, but the progress starts NOW.
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Friday, November 09, 2018
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