Originally my theory on my depression was that it was caused by my sexuality. Growing up gay in a small hick town is anything but liberating. It's depressing. To add insult to injury I had a friend in high school who was trying to help me with praying the gay away. I don't resent him for it, I know he had the best attentions, and him and his family were still very welcoming of me and my struggles. But that kind of false hope only adds salt to the wound when dealing with depression.
Now I'm certain through more research and understanding that more than likely my ADHD is the root of my depression. I didn't know this growing up but ADHD and depression kind of go hand-in-hand for many people. I've been experiencing this depression for so long that managing it has become something I can do. I still experience it, I still isolate myself when the waves come, and so many friendships have met their end because of it, but I can keep it from spiraling into scary places...for the most part.
I would and could never hurt myself, but I have found myself so many times wishing for the strength too.
Don't worry, that strength will never come because I manage it. You'd think that me considering David and his feelings would help me from going to any kind of dark places like that, but when I'm in deep and the currents start pulling me out it always seems like the more generous outcome for him. But I know logically that it's the depression talking.
David gets like this too. We were playing Fortnite a couple of weeks ago and having fun. When we got off he was complaining about one of my friends and saying that his feelings were hurt over something that didn't even happen. When we talked about it the next morning it became clear. He was going through his own wave. I could see the signs. I'm just getting over my crest, and he's getting pulled in.
Apologies about the ocean analogies here. It makes it easier to talk about and describe.
The difference between David and I is that he becomes self destructive. He'll overanalyze himself down to the atoms and doesn't understand how to talk himself into standing up and looking at things objectively. After a week of him being in this slump he agreed to go to the doctor about it.
I don't know what causes his. I think he has ADD, but not ADHD. Regardless, I can't help but to feel it's mostly learned behavior. He's allowed himself for so long to think of himself as less than when it comes to his peers that now his low is his comfort place.
He's such a beautiful and perfect soul. I feel helpless watching him drown in his insecurities, a silhouette on the horizon being swept away from esteem by sadness.
I try to talk to him like I talk to myself. Dripping the fat off the meat of the situation and trying to look at things as binary as possible helps me overcome so much. When I try to do the same for him I feel like it makes it worse. I try to tell him what I tell myself: stop being a little bitch about this. As condescending as it is, it really helps me.
I'm hoping that he keeps pushing forward for help. We can't both be struggling with depression because that shit is not cute. Haha. I love his smile. I need his smile. I wish he could need his smile as much as I do.
