It's been awhile since I've posted on this blog. I'm still meaning to get this caught up, and where I've currently left off is February of 2025. It's a bit embarrassing to be so far behind but I assure a LOT has happened since then.
I don't have many friends left. For one reason or another I pushed most of my furry friend group away. Partly because I was trying to figure myself out and needed the space, but also because I was coming to terms with exactly what my expectations in a friendship were and reached a point where I wasn't happy with comprising. This isn't saying anything bad about them as they are all really great people and I miss them and the group so very much each and every day.
First of all, I realized I'm autistic. There was something about the ADHD that felt like it didn't cover all of my quirks. Most of my quirks and personality was definitely explained by that and wearing that badge did bring comfort as it was a way for me to understand the inner mechanisms of my brain. However it always felt like there was more to the picture than just that. For example, my social skills or lack thereof.
I would get absolutely in a frenzy over having friends spend the night. The idea stressed me out. However when they did I would have fun and enjoy it. But once they left, I would fall into a bad depression. One that would usually result in me panicking and deleting all socials. Yeah, I'm still doing that unfortunately.
One of my friends had explained that it was hurting him every time I did that, a fact I felt so bad about. I wasn't trying to hurt him and I didn't even understand why I did it. It would annoy me that I would do it because once the depression wave faded and I was able to collect myself I would come crawling back hoping for acceptance. A task that never felt fun. We ended up cutting ties which hurt greatly as I felt so very close to him.
The reality is, as I've come to learn, I have a social battery and it gets depleted very fast. When it does, I have to recharge. Recharging means isolation. For people I'm really close with I can usually forgo the isolation, but the simple fact is outside of David I don't feel really close to anyone. I keep everyone at arms length. I'm sure there's some kind of trauma there, but I don't really care about dissecting the "why" in this scenario.
Learning about this wasn't an easy task. Late diagnosed autism comes with its own slew of issues that only added onto mine.
For example, skill regression is totally a thing. I find myself feeling worse at going out in public, engaging strangers, conversing with people, etc. Areas that I was able to simply mask and perform previously I'm losing the ability to now. It's a blessing and a curse. I find myself less depleted emotionally and mentally, but it's by avoiding those things that taxed me so it's not really a net positive. Also the imposter syndrome. Once I realized that this autism thing was the missing puzzle piece my brain did what it does so well and went on sprees trying to convince itself that this wasn't true. Sure, everything about it made sense, but I couldn't possibly be autistic... It's a battle.
Work has been difficult lately. More than usual. I just have such a difficult time tolerating stupidity but I seem to be swimming in it as of late. Some of it my own admittedly, but most of it just organization stuff. Just daily dumb decisions being made by the decision makers.
The winters have been longer and harsher so therefore David and I have not been able to go to Cypress lately. I miss getting naked. I've managed to put up some privacy on my porch and have been enjoying being in my skin when I can but it's not the same. It's really the skinny dipping I miss the most. The skinny dipping and the outdoor showers. I guess I'm a child of Poseidon and just want to be in some kind of water.
I'm 40 now. I turned 40 and spent two months of the first 4 of being 40 feeling it. I damaged my back before our trip up to North Carolina and to this day I still feel the impact.
I started a radio show made for no one called OwO Radio and let it become my hyper focus for a bit. I ended up making a really good season and half of another before falling out of it. I currently have the recordings of S02E09 but I haven't been able to finish cleaning up the audio to finish the episode. I think the show got bigger to the point where I wasn't able to do all the work needed to make each episode. On top of that, I couldn't even pay someone to actually listen to it. It didn't really bother me too much at first as I assumed I was making it just for myself, but eventually you hit a point where you're so excited about something and have no one to share it with that the excitement naturally wains.
David listened to my show and I loved it. It was amazing sharing it with him. He'd cry on the sad episodes, laugh on the silly ones, and ultimately made me feel like I was being effective in my storytelling. It's honestly what kept the fire lit for so long. However I think my humor was a bit much for him at times. Admittedly I write in contrast. My brain is very dark so when I write dark scenes I like to contrast it with humor. I tend to use crass humor and I think it's sometimes a bit much for him.
There's so much more but I've run out of time to post everything now. I just wanted to write something. To post something. For someone, or no one to read. Just something that says I'm alive, slightly well, and still kicking.
