What's up journal?
Jesus! It's been awhile again. After Sabrina's passing I kept myself preoccupied with making the video for her memorial, and trying to cope with it. It's almost two months later now. I find myself thinking that the mourning is over and then out of no where, I start to break down.
The first time was when I was emptying my pockets into the basket in my closet and noticed a card under the basket. I picked it up and was greeted with the card from her memorial. It was her picture. I hated the picture Mom picked out for the little card at the time, but for some reason in that moment I saw why. It broke me apart to see Sabrina's face. I went straight to ugly crying.
Another time was a couple weeks later when I was sitting outside on my laptop and decided to clear the faces out of my Google Photos since Google Photos keeps thinking I'm Hanna. I had to rename the faces in the pictures and came across Sabrina's pictures. Back to ugly crying.
For some reason I thought of Sabrina when I was on my plane ride to California last week. I was on a plane so I had to keep myself from the ugly cries. Then today when I was in the car with Olivia and Lily we were playing songs Lily knew. It happens that the only songs I know Lily likes are the ones she'd listen too with Sabrina. Lily is about to turn 18 next month and all I could think about in that car was how happy Sabrina would be to see how much of her is still with Lily as Lily was belting out the words to the songs. Backseat ugly cry.
Every time I think I'm done with mourning a random trigger comes out of nowhere and reminds me that I'm still sad and that I still miss her. Hell, even trying to plan the sibling cruise, which of course has all fallen apart, was still so damn difficult because I kept thinking how much I want her there.
I promise that I'm not going to make this journal the "I Miss Sabrina" journal. I'll come back and start posting about other shit. It's just for now, I fucking miss that bitch and I want her back. I'm still trying to cope with the denial of her death. I think I'm past the denial phase to be honest. I think I'm just conveniently forgetting. My memory is absolute shit as I've posted about before.
Regardless though I'm trying to tiptoe around the triggers. It's not at all that I don't want to mourn or I don't want closure. I just don't want to waste my time crying over something I can't change. I would rather think about her, remember her, and see pictures of her and just feel overwhelmed with joy that I had her in my life. I wish I could fast forward to that feeling.
Jesus! It's been awhile again. After Sabrina's passing I kept myself preoccupied with making the video for her memorial, and trying to cope with it. It's almost two months later now. I find myself thinking that the mourning is over and then out of no where, I start to break down.
The first time was when I was emptying my pockets into the basket in my closet and noticed a card under the basket. I picked it up and was greeted with the card from her memorial. It was her picture. I hated the picture Mom picked out for the little card at the time, but for some reason in that moment I saw why. It broke me apart to see Sabrina's face. I went straight to ugly crying.
Another time was a couple weeks later when I was sitting outside on my laptop and decided to clear the faces out of my Google Photos since Google Photos keeps thinking I'm Hanna. I had to rename the faces in the pictures and came across Sabrina's pictures. Back to ugly crying.
For some reason I thought of Sabrina when I was on my plane ride to California last week. I was on a plane so I had to keep myself from the ugly cries. Then today when I was in the car with Olivia and Lily we were playing songs Lily knew. It happens that the only songs I know Lily likes are the ones she'd listen too with Sabrina. Lily is about to turn 18 next month and all I could think about in that car was how happy Sabrina would be to see how much of her is still with Lily as Lily was belting out the words to the songs. Backseat ugly cry.
Every time I think I'm done with mourning a random trigger comes out of nowhere and reminds me that I'm still sad and that I still miss her. Hell, even trying to plan the sibling cruise, which of course has all fallen apart, was still so damn difficult because I kept thinking how much I want her there.
I promise that I'm not going to make this journal the "I Miss Sabrina" journal. I'll come back and start posting about other shit. It's just for now, I fucking miss that bitch and I want her back. I'm still trying to cope with the denial of her death. I think I'm past the denial phase to be honest. I think I'm just conveniently forgetting. My memory is absolute shit as I've posted about before.
Regardless though I'm trying to tiptoe around the triggers. It's not at all that I don't want to mourn or I don't want closure. I just don't want to waste my time crying over something I can't change. I would rather think about her, remember her, and see pictures of her and just feel overwhelmed with joy that I had her in my life. I wish I could fast forward to that feeling.
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Saturday, February 09, 2019
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